Hitting Reset Hard…

First off, apologies for being MIA the last few weeks. Life has been nothing short of chaotic in good ways and bad. Things happened after my last post that weren’t so great but then, on February 2, I got a letter in the mail that basically changed my life.

A while back, I applied for disability. I was denied, initially. My lawyers (good old Binder & Binder!) filed an appeal. Almost two years later, I found out I was granted an appeal hearing. That hearing was postponed in order to gather more evidence from past doctors (applying for disability is an ordeal, good people. It is most definitely worth having a lawyer handle things for you. I don’t know how people attempt to do this on their own!). Two months later, I went to the rescheduled hearing. I came out of it with a good feeling. The judge was a lovely person and she was very good about settling my nerves. My lawyer was great, too. He was very upbeat after the hearing, said he was confident I would win my case. Well, five months and much stress later, I got the letter with a favorable decision.

You have no idea what this decision means to me. I can now carry some of the burden of the household expenses – my son has been supporting me since we moved out of my late mother’s house in April of 2016. He’s been paying for everything, including what few monthly expenses I have. This has been a source of extreme stress (and humiliation) for me. I’m used to being the breadwinner, the provider. I’m supposed to still be looking after him, not the other way around. But he’s been, quite literally, the head of the household since we moved here two years ago. And he constantly reassured me that he had no problem taking care of me since I had done so for him all his life, through good times and bad (things got hairy for me a few times as a single mom). That’s a heavy load for a young man of 23 years of age to carry but he’s done so beautifully. I’m not kidding when I say he’s the best kid ever. I surely did something right with that one! Anyway, having this disability check will now allow me to not only pay for my own things but take some of the load off him, as well. It is a blessing and a godsend, and it’s been a long, stressful road to get here but I am grateful beyond measure. (Deep down, it is still kind of scary that the physical ailments that led to my getting disability are probably only going to get worse, despite my best efforts, but that’s a post for another day.)

So, now I can finally do some of the stuff I’ve only been dreaming about since I stopped working five years ago. I can spend a little more money at the supermarket and buy the weight loss-friendly foods I’ve been wanting to try in order to vary my daily diet a bit more (I had a set monthly food budget and half of that budget naturally had to go to my son’s meals). I’ve been wanting to join a gym since it’s been too cold to do any serious walking with my dog and – ta-da! – I have! I joined Planet Fitness last week and will be starting my workouts this week. I need to corral a trainer on my first day – given my arthritis, my pulmonary hypertension, and the recently discovered bulging discs in my spinal column, I have to create a workout that won’t wind up sending me to the nearest emergency room. But I’m excited to start. I’ve even ordered workout clothes – something I haven’t done in ten years! I’ve discovered Fabletics, the athletic wear company co-founded by Kate Hudson. Much of their gear comes in plus sizes, and their stuff is really nice. The prices aren’t bad, either. I received my first order a couple of days ago and I was really impressed with the material of the leggings and the overall quality. I also ordered from TEMA Athletics, another (albeit smaller) company that sells workout gear in all sizes. They don’t have as big a selection as Fabletics but the quality of their gear is good, too. They are kind of pricey but they have a lot of really good sales so it won’t be so hard on the old checkbook to order from them. I’m really looking forward to putting all this gear, and my Fitbit, to good use at the gym. God knows I have to do a complete reboot of my system since I’ve been “celebrating” a little too hard for the past ten days.

My lifestyle change kind of went out the window since I received a payment from Social Security. While I still weigh myself every day, I’ve been lax about tracking and I’ve been indulging in foods I don’t normally eat anymore. I’ve been a bad, bad girl! And it’s starting to show up on the scale, though not as dramatically as I expected. But I’m not really feeling guilty about it, either. I’ve been completely aware of what I’ve been doing, and I only ate when I was hungry. I wasn’t grazing constantly. I was kind of behaving, to a point. So, no, I don’t feel any guilt. I know this is going to stop in the next day or so and I’m planning on hitting the Target grocery section on Tuesday to stock up on my beloved veggies and yogurt and chicken (hey, now I can even buy that pre-cooked salmon I’ve been lusting after for months…I’m way too chicken to buy a (very expensive) fresh piece and cook it myself. I’m so afraid I’m going to burn it – my cooking skills are best suited to chicken and beef. Fish is so…delicate). I know it’s time to stop celebrating and jump back into the saddle because I’ve got another 100 pounds to lose and I want to get back to feeling good again. My body knows I haven’t been feeding it well – I’m bloated, especially in my legs, and I just don’t feel right.

Who knows? This might have been exactly what I needed to jump start my weight loss again. As I’d mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been see-sawing between the same six pounds since the end of December, and I was following the WW program pretty religiously (I mentioned how I still wasn’t too keen on the new Freestyle program). Now that I’ve freaked my body out by feeding it stuff for the last ten days that I’d only been having as an occasional treat, going back on plan should provide the jolt I need to start losing again. When I started WW back in August, I jumped right in. It wasn’t easy for the first couple of weeks but by the end of that month, I’d lost almost ten pounds and I’d completely adjusted to being on the program. I shouldn’t have any trouble getting back into the swing of things this time because I now know how to keep from getting “hangry,” and I’ll be going to the gym a few times a week so I’ll be more active than I have been. I know from past experience that exercise tends to control my appetite. So, I’m all set to work the program and get my ass in gear (albeit gently so I don’t hurt – or asphyxiate – myself).

I was granted a new beginning on February 2nd when that letter arrived in my mailbox. I’m certainly not going to waste it. I have physical problems that are never going away but with healthy eating and exercise, I can try to keep them at bay for as long as possible. Plus, I’ve got to build on my past progress. I took a selfie for the first time in weeks last Wednesday. I was wearing all new clothes (including new sneakers!) and when I compared those pictures to the one taken of me last April, when I was approaching my all-time heaviest weight, I was really happy. There’s a big difference, particularly in my legs. My belly is still pretty round, but not as round as last year, and anyone who is fighting the battle of the bulge knows that belly fat is a bitch to get rid of. But I’ll be working on that, trust me. Have a look!

(I really gotta work on my selfie face…) See the difference? No more cottage-cheese-stuffed-into-sausage-casing legs! Can’t wait to see what else I can whittle down! Stay tuned for progress reports…

Until next time, remember:  every day is a chance to hit that reset button…